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Editor of Logos, an online journal of society and culture.
Lives in New Jersey.
Won't eat frozen vegetables.
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Thursday, July 8
I have not written in this BLOG for quite some time. This way, perhaps readers that would frequent it with some degree of regularity have given up, convinced that I have abandoned my personal reflections.
But recent events have brought me back to write once again and to probe and express my thoughts.
You see, I think that my life will kill me. I am increasingly sinking into a profound despair. It has made me anxious, nervous, jittery. I have heart palpatations, cannot concentrate properly. I am often depressed. I cannot live like this anymore, and yet there seems to be no choice. I think that living alone is really the core factor. I feel more disconnected, less relevant to anyone else, and less valuable than at any other time in my life.
I cannot say that I have been able to approach this problem with any degree of optimism. But I do know that things are becoming extreme--and extreme situations call for drastic measures. I simply do not know what these things are.
I am tired. I am exhausted. I no longer have the same grasp on reality I once had. I must come to terms with the impending doom. I am convionced that I will not live another 8 years. My heart has taken so much stress, it is constantly under siege from stress and from nervousness. I can taste the end, as if it were a premonition.
Dear reader, can you not recall the womderous words of Celan?
Sie rudern, sie rudern, sie rudern --:
Ihr Toten, ihr Schwimmer, voraus!
Umgittert auch dies von der Reuse!
Und morgen verdampft unser Meer!
[They row, they row, they row--:
You dead, you swimmers, lead on!
This, too, surround with the bow-net!
And tomorrow our sea will be dry!]
Michael was existentially meandering at 11:26 PM \\
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